Vibrating Castle

“I do anal kegels,” whispered the barfly as she swayed around with a clenched ass. She blew kisses to everyone in the room.

Someone said I couldn’t ignore Arethra Franklin. He was right.

Woody Allen didn’t really do anything after he banned me from his vibrating castle. I still come and go as I please. It was an empty threat and frankly, I don’t respect him as much anymore.

brandnewswastikas:

Romantic Date Ideas

• Singing
• Have a contest to see who can take the coldest shower
• Beg for food
• Have sex with each other
• Boil fruit and put the fruit water in jars and go to specialty stores and tell them that it’s gourmet Gatorade and try to sell it to them for a thousand dollars and if they buy it, take the money and buy a cheap car from somebody and start to drive away after you pay for it, but just sort of back up diagonally in their driveway and turn off the car and take the keys and run to your car and drive home so they will never be able to use their driveway again because their stupid car will be in the way
• Text each other
• Look for lizards in the sun
• Tickle fight - winner takes all
• Go beanbag chair shopping
• Throwing 
• Eat at a nice restaurant
• Fill ice cream cones with yogurt for some reason

brandnewswastikas:

I’ sorry about all of the crushed red pepper flakes all over the ground, but I’m not going to pick them up right now. 

It hurts when I pee so don’t have sex with me

How are there so many snakes

“Ants,” was all she said as she whimpered her dying breath.

You see, she had a horrific ant allergy. How was I to know?  She hid it because she was ashamed or for religious reasons. I don’t know.

Anyways, I thought it would be a great idea to mail her a box of ants. I’m just that wacky, kooky, queer kind of a guy. I figured they would be mostly dead when they arrived and that the whole gang would gather around and have a good laugh.